Trans Parent

“I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence:Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -, I took the one less travelled by, and that, has made all the difference”.

The Road Not Taken Robert Frost 1916

                        I don’t like to talk about the fact that I am transgender. It’s disturbing to me because I took a big chance in transitioning and like many other things, when I weigh the results, I am not really sure that the outcome was worth the effort.  I know that many people might describe me as crazy. Frankly, I don’t disagree, but I did have reasons and feelings that affected my actions, and, to me, they made sense.

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                       I always struggled with being effeminate.   Even so, I managed to build a nice life for myself and those that I loved. I had a beautiful wife and three wonderful children. I had status as a Marine Corps veteran and a Detective Lieutenant on the NYPD   Still there was this empty part of me.  I had dressed like a girl as a teenager and as I grew older, I learned to closet my feelings. I remember it being overwhelming for me to go through the hormonal changes of puberty. Drugs and alcohol helped for a while but ultimately this gives birth to a host of other difficulties.

                       I met my wife as a teenager. We got along quite well and for a long time we worked together towards the same common goals. As time and children came, somewhere along the way we grew apart. I like to say my wife was a good person who just really got lost, but, perhaps I was always lost, and she just couldn’t find me. I did very much want to keep our life together but as time went on it was apparent our marriage had become a hopeless project.

When we split, I found myself alone, trying to raise my two younger children and to also offer support to my eldest child who had recently returned from Iraq with a nice dose of PTSD.  The country was in a recession, and every month after I paid my mortgage and utility bills, I was broke, again. Eventually I would spend 4 years in civil court trying to keep our home. My children were feeling insecure and I had no idea how to make them feel better. At that time the three of us would fall asleep together on the sofa every night. None of us, wanted to sleep alone.  I remember thinking one day I was going to start making changes. I was well aware that I had this female inside of me. Maybe I could be mom and dad? I wasn’t sure and I was fearful but I started small. First removing my body hair and dieting. I took an overnight job as a part time baker in the east village.  I knew instinctively about makeup. So, I would dress as a female part of the week and as a male, part of the week. I went to my children’s parent teacher conferences as a man the first half of the year and as a woman the second. If nothing else this removed any doubts the teachers had about our family being dysfunctional. As time went on, I started living full time as a female and eventually took the additional step of hormone therapy. By this time my wife and I were separated about 2 years.

And this is where the story really begins.

                         I failed at everything I tried. Even with my background and experience I couldn’t find a job and I left interview after interview in tears. Sometimes with the addition of an angry rant. My son was just becoming a teenager and understandably, he found my changes to be disturbing. More than once, our arguments would break into an all out fistfight, with my daughters in the middle. It took a while but we worked out a peace. My oldest daughter and I always had a strong bond when she was growing up. She even became a Marine like me. Given our family dynamic and her general good nature, she accepted me and to this day we remain quite close. My youngest daughter had pretty much been attached to me at the hip since she was born, and to her my transition was wonderful. Although I was not the strong female role model she desperately craved, I gave it my best effort, unfortunately it was not good enough. But I like to think, I was better than nothing. I had always done Siobhan’s makeup for dance recitals and shows and now we could do more girl things together. And we did. We clothes shopped at the Freehold Mall together. We bought makeup together, got hair blowouts together and I was at least able to do most of the things with her that women and daughters do. Her initial menstrual cycle was a bit overwhelming for both of us. Her mother was somewhat available for that and so was her big sister. I panicked. I realized I can’t do this!!! I can’t be a mom. No one taught me how to be a girl. I had no database to refer too. This was a mistake. Anyway I knew at this point there was no way I was ever going to meet a woman who could love me.

                          Transitioning for me was never about sexuality. As someone who was transitioning to womanhood, I was certainly curious about dating men and I knew what to do, and I did go on several dates with men. I realized though that most were married. They were quite shallow and secretive and even if they were smart, they were basically unimpressive. I was done with them almost as fast as I had started.  

                         I joined a couple of different dating sites and toned down my fashion sense to a more androgynous level and dated one or two women. I dressed neutrally not to trick them, but rather I wanted them to know that I was not in competition with them. They were the beauty and I would be the Shrek. That was totally fine with me.  I was optimistic at first, however things didn’t work out as well as I had hoped. That’s the natural way of things, I suppose.

                         I learned something else though. Perhaps more important. I learned that the heart is resilient and even if you leave it alone, the heart will find things to love. So in transition you loose people, which is expected but, life can be unpredictable. I lost people that I didn’t expect to lose and I kept people that I didn’t expect to keep. Still  I spent more time alone. Eventually  I got to know and love every animal in my back yard.   I have two cardinals and, a blue jay that come by every morning. The cardinals are mates and if you watch them carefully, they actually feed each other. The blue jay is a bit more aggressive but that’s just on the outside, she makes it a priority to feed her babies.. There are 5 squirrels that come up to my kitchen window in the morning and I can feed 3 by hand. I even understand their gestures and body language. Native Americans believed that at one time animals and humans could speak and understand each other. I totally believe that now.

I learned that I love watching the sun rise over the ocean as i walk along the beach on a warm summer morning . I love sitting by a warm fireplace on a cold and rainy November day. I like soup and I love it when my cat kneads on my belly before settling in for a nap. I love a good book and old story. I love reading the bible, . I still love watching my kids accomplish or learn something for the first time. I love to hear my daughter Danielle laugh. I love it when my son Sean asks me my advice , and I love teasing baby Siobhan.   

                        So, if someone asks me if I thought transitioning was a good idea, I say I don’t know. Mostly because I don’t know what was on the other side of “manhood” for me, if I didn’t transition. But I do know that I although I struggled and cried and hated myself, there are people in my life now that I never would have met had I not transitioned, and I wouldn’t give those friendships up now for anything. Michele <3.