“For what it’s worth … it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
Eric Roth Screenwriter
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” by F.Scott Fitzgerald
“We don’t get to choose when we were born. We don’t choose what natural disasters, epidemiological emergencies, stock market crashes, tyrannical regimes, or wars our generations face. We only get to choose how we react. We can use it as a way to pour our energy back into the world. If you care about history, keep a journal. Future historians will want to know about what it was like to live through this time. If you are a political activist, document the lies. Journalists will need our informed attention. If you love literature, write. If you are an artist, make art. Make art filled with whatever you have, even if that art comes from anguish. This guy (I held up my Shakespeare book) wrote through the plague. What will you write?” — Wendy Beth Hyman, March 11, 2020.
So here it goes. Today I write in American Typewriter font. Why? because I am American and as it stands today, this fact separates me from the concerns of the rest of the world, or so we thought. The concept of “Isolationism” is not a new one. It dates all the way back to colonial times. At that time anyone arriving to the new world was fleeing some sort of persecution, be it religious economic, or war. Most anyone coming here was attempting to disengage from the miseries that affected Europe and the rest of the world. The voyage to the Americas itself was both long and arduous and quite often entailed sickness and death. Americans have long embraced the idea of “We came here to get away from all that” as it applied to our relationship with Europe. This belief delayed our entry into the Great War, which actually worked out for us, and we only entered World War 2 because our existence was directly threatened.
But a virus poses a problem. We cannot simply choose to isolate our country and believe that we are safe. It is insidious, invisible and we cannot simply build a wall and proclaim our disengagement from it. Perhaps it is a time for all of us to recognize that we too have a responsibility to the world. To turn our back on others is wrong. Deitrich Bonhoeffer once said Not to Speak, Is to Speak, Not to Act, Is to Act. When we ignore wrong, we in effect act on behalf of it. Strong terms, but true. Moving on, we as Americans have learned a new term. It is called Social Distancing.
My life was pretty busy up until Friday. Between work and school, I was present at five libraries last week. I completed two midterms and verbally presented a research project where I spoke on the topic of “Moses and the Book of Exodus” as it appears in the Torah, Bible and Qur’an. I complained all week that I was feeling overwhelmed, but I loved it. Then Friday, it all came to a grinding halt. I laid around the house all day Saturday and Sunday just thinking about stuff. My entire life I have jumped from project to project, job to job, and even gender to gender. When I was little my mom used to scream “Anthony can’t you ever just stick to one thing? You are going to give me apoplexy!” I always was occupied or preoccupied. And then I wasn’t.
When I heard the term “Social Distancing”, I first thought, omg I can’t go out on a date. I can’t hug and kiss anyone. What am I going to do? It took a minute or two for me to ask myself, when was the last time I did either of those things anyway. Ten years was the answer. Ten years. The last person I kissed on the lips was Irina and that was 10 years ago. Had I known then what I know now, I would have held that kiss a little longer and appreciated it a little more. I think now that I even would have cried. Is that not the way life goes though? We miss an opportunity or lose a moment because we didn’t take the time to appreciate it, in its own time.
So, in some ways I was socially distant already. What’s the big deal? The big deal is, that now I am home, alone with my thoughts and regrets and mistakes and it is nothing short of frightening. In many respects, the same is true of America. We are now being attacked on our own soil, by an invisible enemy. Will this be over in two weeks? It’s doubtful. Weddings, showers, Proms Graduations, Communions, Church services all cancelled. Brick and Mortar shopping establishments empty. What does the future hold for us? I don’t know, but now as a country we have to engage with the rest of the world in order to combat this virus. Who do we blame? And Is it important? Well I guess we can start with the current Government Administration, and Yes, it is important. The contempt, the dishonesty, the lack of respect for the planet, and other human beings, the disregard of our laws has in some way all contributed to this situation. President Trump literally fired the Center for Disease Control’s Pandemic Response Team. Why would anyone who cared about people do something like that? There is just not a logical justification for it.
So now we sit here, in our homes. Last week my neighbors were complaining about people walking their dogs and then throwing a dirty poop bag into their garbage. This week, that issue, is not quite as important.
“I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence:Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -, I took the one less travelled by, and that, has made all the difference”.
The Road Not Taken Robert Frost 1916
I don’t like to talk about the fact that I am transgender. It’s disturbing to me because I took a big chance in transitioning and like many other things, when I weigh the results, I am not really sure that the outcome was worth the effort. I know that many people might describe me as crazy. Frankly, I don’t disagree, but I did have reasons and feelings that affected my actions, and, to me, they made sense.
I always struggled with being effeminate. Even so, I managed to build a nice life for myself and those that I loved. I had a beautiful wife and three wonderful children. I had status as a Marine Corps veteran and a Detective Lieutenant on the NYPD Still there was this empty part of me. I had dressed like a girl as a teenager and as I grew older, I learned to closet my feelings. I remember it being overwhelming for me to go through the hormonal changes of puberty. Drugs and alcohol helped for a while but ultimately this gives birth to a host of other difficulties.
I met my wife as a teenager. We got along quite well and for a long time we worked together towards the same common goals. As time and children came, somewhere along the way we grew apart. I like to say my wife was a good person who just really got lost, but, perhaps I was always lost, and she just couldn’t find me. I did very much want to keep our life together but as time went on it was apparent our marriage had become a hopeless project.
When we split, I found myself alone, trying to raise my two younger children and to also offer support to my eldest child who had recently returned from Iraq with a nice dose of PTSD. The country was in a recession, and every month after I paid my mortgage and utility bills, I was broke, again. Eventually I would spend 4 years in civil court trying to keep our home. My children were feeling insecure and I had no idea how to make them feel better. At that time the three of us would fall asleep together on the sofa every night. None of us, wanted to sleep alone. I remember thinking one day I was going to start making changes. I was well aware that I had this female inside of me. Maybe I could be mom and dad? I wasn’t sure and I was fearful but I started small. First removing my body hair and dieting. I took an overnight job as a part time baker in the east village. I knew instinctively about makeup. So, I would dress as a female part of the week and as a male, part of the week. I went to my children’s parent teacher conferences as a man the first half of the year and as a woman the second. If nothing else this removed any doubts the teachers had about our family being dysfunctional. As time went on, I started living full time as a female and eventually took the additional step of hormone therapy. By this time my wife and I were separated about 2 years.
And this is where the story really begins.
I failed at everything I tried. Even with my background and experience I couldn’t find a job and I left interview after interview in tears. Sometimes with the addition of an angry rant. My son was just becoming a teenager and understandably, he found my changes to be disturbing. More than once, our arguments would break into an all out fistfight, with my daughters in the middle. It took a while but we worked out a peace. My oldest daughter and I always had a strong bond when she was growing up. She even became a Marine like me. Given our family dynamic and her general good nature, she accepted me and to this day we remain quite close. My youngest daughter had pretty much been attached to me at the hip since she was born, and to her my transition was wonderful. Although I was not the strong female role model she desperately craved, I gave it my best effort, unfortunately it was not good enough. But I like to think, I was better than nothing. I had always done Siobhan’s makeup for dance recitals and shows and now we could do more girl things together. And we did. We clothes shopped at the Freehold Mall together. We bought makeup together, got hair blowouts together and I was at least able to do most of the things with her that women and daughters do. Her initial menstrual cycle was a bit overwhelming for both of us. Her mother was somewhat available for that and so was her big sister. I panicked. I realized I can’t do this!!! I can’t be a mom. No one taught me how to be a girl. I had no database to refer too. This was a mistake. Anyway I knew at this point there was no way I was ever going to meet a woman who could love me.
Transitioning for me was never about sexuality. As someone who was transitioning to womanhood, I was certainly curious about dating men and I knew what to do, and I did go on several dates with men. I realized though that most were married. They were quite shallow and secretive and even if they were smart, they were basically unimpressive. I was done with them almost as fast as I had started.
I joined a couple of different dating sites and toned down my fashion sense to a more androgynous level and dated one or two women. I dressed neutrally not to trick them, but rather I wanted them to know that I was not in competition with them. They were the beauty and I would be the Shrek. That was totally fine with me. I was optimistic at first, however things didn’t work out as well as I had hoped. That’s the natural way of things, I suppose.
I learned something else though. Perhaps more important. I learned that the heart is resilient and even if you leave it alone, the heart will find things to love. So in transition you loose people, which is expected but, life can be unpredictable. I lost people that I didn’t expect to lose and I kept people that I didn’t expect to keep. Still I spent more time alone. Eventually I got to know and love every animal in my back yard. I have two cardinals and, a blue jay that come by every morning. The cardinals are mates and if you watch them carefully, they actually feed each other. The blue jay is a bit more aggressive but that’s just on the outside, she makes it a priority to feed her babies.. There are 5 squirrels that come up to my kitchen window in the morning and I can feed 3 by hand. I even understand their gestures and body language. Native Americans believed that at one time animals and humans could speak and understand each other. I totally believe that now.
I learned that I love watching the sun rise over the ocean as i walk along the beach on a warm summer morning . I love sitting by a warm fireplace on a cold and rainy November day. I like soup and I love it when my cat kneads on my belly before settling in for a nap. I love a good book and old story. I love reading the bible, . I still love watching my kids accomplish or learn something for the first time. I love to hear my daughter Danielle laugh. I love it when my son Sean asks me my advice , and I love teasing baby Siobhan.
So, if someone asks me if I thought transitioning was a good idea, I say I don’t know. Mostly because I don’t know what was on the other side of “manhood” for me, if I didn’t transition. But I do know that I although I struggled and cried and hated myself, there are people in my life now that I never would have met had I not transitioned, and I wouldn’t give those friendships up now for anything. Michele <3.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
So, I really like this poem. Its everything I want to know about my best friend, life partner, lover etc. Life offers us many opportunities to love, even if we don’t have a specific person with which to share our life. I sometimes think, that I am not the kind of person that someone falls in love with, so I save my heart for the beauty that’s around me. Such as a walk on the beach while watching a summer sunrise, a book or a poem that speaks to my soul. Children, an animal of any variety, but in particular cats.
But what does every heart ache for? Love, peace, acceptance, answers? I think most of all every heart aches for understanding. Think about it, if when someone spoke, we could reach into their chest and feel what they feel we would all have a better understanding of one another. Its more simply called empathy, and sometimes just a little goes a long way.
In yoga I learned the importance of sitting through discomfort and accepting it without making an effort to fix it. It’s vital because that’s where the growth is. It teaches us to carry on even when things are difficult. So, if I am in an uncomfortable yoga pose and I rush to get out of it, my body never really gets the opportunity to adjust to the pose and stretch and grow. If I stay in the pose its uncomfortable but my body changes a little bit and a small amount of progress is made. Slow progress is still progress.
There is growth in pain. There is growth in failure. Every time we make a mistake we learn. What we learn depends on the mistake but hopefully we ultimately grow in a positive direction. Most importantly we have to be true to ourselves and our convictions. We must be able to face ourselves in the mirror and know that our decisions were honest and made with the best of intentions. Ultimately, people who have love and kindness in their heart are the people I want to spend my life around.
I think I will end right here for tonight. For the future I am working on a post about the Star of David. Hopefully I will have it together shortly. I know I only have one or two followers but thank you for reading . I really appreciate it. I am really trying hard to express my beliefs and thoughts in a positive and caring manner. I am also still working on focusing my blog. Its getting there ..I think . Suggestions and comments are always welcome.
So, its December 26th2019. The day after Christmas. I see it as a day of both reflection and planning. Reflections on the past year and plans for the upcoming new year. I had a great year 2019. Although nine months of it was spent without heat or hot water. I didn’t take a vacation. I worked all of the year. I had a lot of anxiety and my self talk was defeating. But, I got along pretty well with my children. I was able to get my wood stove up and running. I started Graduate school. I got a new job. I ate healthy. I found time for yoga, and I ended the year sitting in one of the finest restaurants in Manhattan, surrounded by my children sister and a good friend. So, I had a great year. Notice, I didn’t say it was an easy year, but is was one of the best years of my life.
I don’t mean to sound as if I am offering unsolicited advice or words of encouragement to others who are unable to find a silver lining in their year. Perhaps they don’t have one. Certainly I am always willing to offer help or assistance to someone in crisis, but I do recognize that people might not always want interference in their personal affairs. There have been times when I have read or heard about situations where there is no coming back. Everyone’s life is different. But I do believe that humans are more resilient than even they realize. The universe has a way of tailoring our woes to fit each person’s specific life. When we read about someone like Anthony Bourdain commit suicide in a luxury hotel in Paris we think, How the F*** did that happen? It’s confusing. Yet when we read about a Syrian refugee who lost their family to a bomb in Aleppo, we ask “How does a person come back from that?” . As mentioned, each person’s pain is individualized, it’s important not to judge someone, at least without the full amount of information.
Moving on, I often describe myself as being “Secretly Religious”. This affords me to opportunity to pick and choose the rules to which I align. I do enjoy reading the Bible when I have the opportunity. I especially love the Old Testament. Many of the stories are difficult to actually verify as fact, mostly because they are a combination of history and folklore, passed down through generations. I find it particularly interesting that both Christianity and Islam are based in Judaism. Yet the Jews have been persecuted throughout history. Quite often by christians. It is upsetting to me that this happens since I never read anything about Jesus advocating the extermination of Jews and Muslims or anyone , for that matter. So, I am confused as to how humans latch on to these ideas of treating your neighbor like shit and talking smack about others and preaching contempt for other religions. And I am pretty sure that if Jesus were alive today, he would advocate healthcare, education, housing, and food, impartially and would be supportive of ideas like, justice for all. It is my hope that someday the world learns that we can accomplish more and lead better lives if we all work together. Communication and negotiation between people should not be viewed as “Us” vs. “Them”, It’s just “Us” all of “Us”, no “them”. I hope I made that clear.
I love working at the library! I get to see so much. People seem to get confused by that. Imagine if the characters in every book came to life, “real life”, good people, bad people, funny people, happy people and sad people.Next imagine being surrounded by all of these characters. When you stand in a library all of these people are with you. So when you think about it the Library is actually really crowded, 24/7 . I walk into the library all those people in every book are there. Waiting for me to meet them. Will I meet everyone? I don’t know. But I am going to try.
Believe it or not there are things in the library just waiting to be discovered. The New York Public library has millions and millions of documents and books that are hundreds of years old. The Library of Congress, even more, and the Libraries around the world have been around longer and have other items. No one anywhere knows what is contained in any one library. People may catalog the material, but they don’t often have the time to read everything. So a person doesn’t have to venture into space or the bottom of the ocean or the Amazon Basin to explore. There is plenty of adventure to be found, around the corner, in the library.
I am not sure if I had a specific point of focus in today’s post, but here it is, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts and criticisms and ideas, about anything you wish.
“It is not your obligation to complete the task (of perfecting the world) but neither are you free to desist from doing all you can.” This quote comes from a collection of ancient Hebrew writings entitled Pirkei Avot. The English translation is “Ethics of the Fathers”. So, with this thought in mind, I am starting a blog in this obscure corner of the internet. It is not so much because I think I am particularly important, or that I have any especially meaningful information to share. In fact, to the contrary. I am just a person, a little different, but not so very, from anyone else. I live in Staten Island New York, in a hundred-year-old home. I haven’t kept it up so well, but it’s warm in the winter, and even warmer in the summer. It has an old wood burning stove in the kitchen and a painted pine picnic table in the dining room. I have an estranged wife and three delightful children. Most have moved on for now, but my youngest daughter Siobhan still lives home.
Somewhere along the way I picked up three dogs, two cats, seven chickens and a little squirrel named Annunziatta all of whom I have become rather attached too. Annunziatta died last year. It was heart breaking for me. I survived little Nunzi’s passing and I am grateful for the time we had together. She was a gift to me from God or the Universe, whichever you choose to call it.
I am attempting to bring focus to my page before inviting guests to my Blog. The only way I can see to do this is by continuously writing and see where my writing takes me. I have some stories that written earlier that I might repost., just because they were things that I consider important events in my life but I can’t really see that anyone would be interested in knowing that much about me. I would prefer to direct my blog more towards a specific subject than to just chat about myself. At the moment I am prewriting my next post on Microsoft word. This seems to be working. I just got an email that one person, my friend sue from Yoga is now following my blog. Thank you, Sue. You are wonderful. I remember meeting you and that you are a beautiful French woman and you vacation in Ischia. The Isle where My dad was born. So I am going to continue writing and posting and hopefully my direction will become clearer as I go on.
To anyone following , Please feel free to comment on any issue you might be interested in talking about.
As an older person returning to school after more than 30 years, I cannot stress how much this class has meant to me. I really loved every part of it. Don’t get me wrong, I found it very difficult. Working with the different codes and learning html and wiki code I struggled for hours in order to achieve even the smallest success. During class I always felt behind and was constantly concerned that my slow pace was going to stymie the progress of the class. But my professor and fellow classmates were awesome. One day when I was feeling particularly stupid, Dr. Sanchez came up to me after class and told me I was doing good and that he was sure I would pick it up. Initially, i wondered if we were in in the same class, but his encouragement was much appreciated and it inspired me to keep trying. Eventually I learned how to build and html page form scratch putting the components of the page in a single folder. Linking them together , adding background color , different fonts, photographs and several links. I am doing pretty well with it. The best part is that my kids were very impressed that I was writing code, I don’t know but they said it was like “MySpace” used to be. Regardless, I was happy that I could rub it in their little faces, that I too can be kind of technical. I am going to keep up with this and I am going to grow this Blog page and I am going to write a wikipedia page about something someday.
Thank you Dr. Sanchez for sharing your knowledge with me. 🙂
Jamie's Blogspot 